Peter Andre – Rochester Castle Concerts
There I was, bobbing along in the sea minding my own business when all of a sudden a little bird (well a seagull actually) comes out from nowhere and starts babbling that some Australian wanker is playing a gig tonight with a colour supporting him or something. At first I thought, “Nah mate, you’re full of shit, too much seaweed” but the fucker was right. Peter Andre was playing down at Rochester Castle. I’m an open minded jellyfish and I like most music so I thought I would bob on down and check it out. Bad mistake.
En-route, I felt the tension in the air change, it felt strange, very strange indeed. Estrogen levels had hit an all time high and thousands upon thousands (maybe a thousand) yearning women all hoping that Peter will make them his mysterious girl (not much mystery in flicking your bean to someone with a six pack but you get what I mean).
I realized very quickly that a sensitive Jelly such as I would be unsafe and vulnerable in such a crowd so I changed my mind, went home and sought refuge in my Garden (seabed, whatever you want to call it). I could still hear this shit just fine anyway so it’s not like I was missing out.
I settled down to listen. And I immediately regretted it.
The first act, Blue, sounded like a sound check gone horribly wrong, they played all their classics but not once did they crack a dirty joke. Blue? My tentacles are bluer than those posers. Then came the main act of the night; Peter fucking Andre. Woo, yay… Prick. I’ve not heard so many women screaming like that since conjugal visit day in the old prison. I couldn’t hear the vocals over the shrieking though so I can’t really complain. I imagine he did a few tracks and minced around the stage a bit. The screaming women were a bit out of key, but I suppose that could be how it’s meant to sound. I do confess that that the backing bands for both acts were actually really good though, quality musicians who know their instruments inside out. Kudos to you.
The night ended with Mysterious girl, which actually made everyone shriek, and scream so much I thought someone had been shot. The song ended, Peter said some words… Blue joined him, sang some inane cover, who really cares. Nothing special. The night ended and I found myself back in my garden, covered in vomit and pretty disappointed. But at least I didn’t pay for that shite.
It did make me think though, The Rochester Castle Concerts aren’t always bad, occasionally they book a decent band and always have some opera, which is very very welcome in this town. However, why book such utter muck when Medway has its own thriving and wonderful music scene to enjoy. Medway has its own sons and daughters, who could put on an amazing show at half the price and would sell out 5 times over. Instead we get treated with our small venues and local acts get slapped with a bloody NOISE ABATEMENT ORDER. Is this some kind of sick joke? Art in any format makes a community what it is, every major towns and city in the UK is a prime example of how hubs for creativity and community are integral to an area. The arts and the sense of community that fills their home town, wherever that may be is a cherished thing that Medway sadly misses out on. Yet we get four gigs in four days every year and expect to just clap along to whatever crap they want to throw our direction and two festivals to celebrate Dickens only to then worry about the homeless ruining our view, when every other person on the street are dressed as tramps. The fucking irony of it all. WELL DONE *golf clap*
Medway also has an excellent opportunity to redeem itself on the gig front. Under Siege provides a chance for 16-24 year olds to play on the Glastonbury Pyramid stage (the very same stage is hired out for the Castle Concerts). On the surface this is really pretty cool and I bet the people taking part absolutely love it, for them the experience must be something else. However, all things on the surface are usually floaters. Personally I have a few problems with this. Once you’ve given these young people a chance to play on what is likely the biggest stage they’ll ever play, and give them their 15 minutes of fame and nicely pumped up; why then deprive them of a single venue to play afterwards (NOISE ABATEMENT ORDERS!!!). Hi Logic, please meet window. With Under Siege finishing at 3pm, why not then let local dedicated musicians play from 3pm onwards. Shit… You could even give them a full day and make it open to all. Medway entertaining Medway, a community embracing itself or even let local bands support the big acts. Christ, give us something. Please. Let us create a family, loving and supportive of one another. But no, instead we get Peter Andre in and end up like the family with no teeth who go on Jeremy Kyle and punch each other in the tits.
Go find a venue that has bands on and go watch them. Don’t waste your cash on these overpriced corporate monkeys. There will be more talent and originality on show in your local area; it won’t cost £40 a pop. And if it does cost that much, you’ll probably get two days of music, properly pissed on quality beer and a friendly atmosphere to boot. Win Win, no?.